Al Gore Inserts Himself Into the Ben Johnson Internet Fray With Ben Johnson now officially confirmed as faster than the Internet, few people have stepped forward to refute what is now looked upon as the truth. That is until Al Gore voiced his opinion on the matter. Al Gore, the inventor of the Internet, contends that without the Internet Ben Johnson would not be enjoying the renaissance period that he is enjoying today. Therefore, if the Internet didn't exist, Ben Johnson would only be faster than the next closest thing, which, if you happen to live on earth, would be the U.S. war machine. The U.S. war machine is able to declare war on a country or countries, obliterate said country or countries, and insert democracy, all before something as crazy as a reason is given. Ever since WWII the U.S. war machine has held the title of fastest thingy on earth and only lost that title in 1999, which coincidently was the year Al Gore invented the Internet. Thus, as Al Gore sees it, if Ben Johnson only exists in relation to the Internet then he couldn't exist if the Internet didn't exist. Conversely, if the Internet didn't exist, people would still have to get their porn the old fashioned way - through a ham radio. Unfortunately, we would like to believe Al Gore's assertion that without the internet Ben Johnson and his astronomical cause de celebrite wouldn't exist, but the fact that the ham radio industry is the biggest lobby group in Washington makes one a little jaded concerning the authenticity of Al Gore's "altruistic" claims. In order to sort through the mud and come out with something resembling the truth, we here at the Mustache Press have devised a poll, the most resilient, transparent, and truthful of all political tools, to get to the bottom of this. The results of the poll, which we might add had the largest sample group ever assembled (6 people), are as follows: 1) 23% of the people surveyed still think it's cool to ham it up on the ham radio, despite the inherent risk of pulling a hammy. 2) 32% think Ben Johnson is a porn moniker used mainly on the ham radio during simulated porking. 3) 45% wish to have a paternity test to find out if Al Gore is their father. Dad (Al Gore), if you're reading this, please send money.