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In
Defence of Concealed Nudity - Pee Wee Vindicated
Pee Wee Herman was facing 10-20 years in the 'Big
House' for his massive collection of erotic memorabilia.
Not that having a massive collection of erotic memorabilia
is wrong - if it was then we all might be facing
10 to 20 in the 'Big House' - it's just that some
of his erotic memorabilia might of contained explicitly
erotic pictures of minors.
This was the second such brush with the law for
Pee Wee, having been convicted of indecent exposure
a few years back. The first conviction stemmed from
an incident in which Pee Wee exposed himself to
Joan River's at the People's Choice Awards. Luckily,
this time Pee Wee was able to escape the wrath of
the law and was vindicated in a court of his peers.
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Pope Condemns
Gay Marriages because he's Jealous
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Barney Miller
(Season 8) DVD Released Yesterday
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Rob Base
Tries to Reclaim Old Popularity
with New Song "It Might Actually
Take Three" |
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4 out of
5 High School Dropouts admit to
now being DJ's |
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Levi Strauss
considers getting out of denim
and into Lycra |
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Harvard
Undergrads Incorporate Street Slang Into Their Everyday
Dialect
 "Don't
you know I'm handing in my essay titled Latin America:
A Macro Economic Look at a Micro-Economic Problem (The
Rick Moranis Model), Essa?" as told to Nick
Gonder, professor of Rick Moranics, by a first year Moranic
student. Increasingly, students were using street slang
to get a across a valid point in their first year Moranics
class, which in the eyes of Gonder diminished their valid
point or points relating to Moranics. Nick Gonder, a player
by most standards*, was able to let it slide most of the
time, but it was getting harder and harder to ignore.
In order to get a grasp on the epidemic, Nick devised
a poll to divine the essence of the students slang usage.
It took 6 years to agree on the type of questions and
procure the necessary government funding. Finally the
poll was complete. Gonder and his team hit the campus
and quickly rounded up an adequate sample group, mainly
one Stuart Wallace. When polled, Stuart felt that using
slang made him feel tougher, but when faced with a clarification
on the wording of the first poll question, it was unclear
if it actually made him tougher than leather.
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ABC
Slots Steamer as its Number Two Reality Show
ABC executives were pleased to announce the addition of
Steamer to its already stacked fall lineup. Steamer, a
low brow but high-concept reality show, follows celebrities
into their bathrooms and films them urinating or pooing.
The producers of Steamer were allowed full access into
each celebrity's bathroom and were granted candid interviews
with each star. In the first episode alone, viewers are
treated to: Danny Devito's legendary collection of pooerphernelia*
and his spoken word poo poetry; and, a trip down memory
lane, as Steamer presents the completely unedited archival
footage of Milton Berle (uncle Miltie) destroying all
of Eastern France's bidet's with his 'old faithful.' Plus,
in episode two, there will not be a dry rim in the house,
especially after Barbara Walter interviews J-Lo for the
first time since her decision to speak out against the
dangers of non-diarrhea inducing drugs and her tortured
battle with non-diarrhea induced regularity.
*Devito's own coined term, used to
describe his erotic and very thorough collection of Middle
Eastern Poo. |
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Rhythm
Method gets Its Staunchest Advocate Since the Greek
VATICAN CITY (MP): The Vatican recently confirmed that
it has inked Method Man from the Wu Tang Clan to be their
new spokesperson for the rhythm method. Always an advocate
for the babies, Method Man saw it as a perfect opportunity
to promote his planned-family views, saying "Just
because I give it to you raw and hardcore, it does not
mean that there should be an un-wanted pregnancy at the
end of all my raw and hardcore giving." His hit song
M.E.T.H.O.D MAN has been pegged for the ad campaign. |
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Hot
Stock Tips
 The
head of Audio Two issued a strong warning to the business
world last week, mainly, to get off his log. Investors
were quick to pull all of their holdings out of Milk’s
log and invest it into somebody else’s log.
Milk’s log has long been viewed as the most stable
log in the business world. In fact, Warren Greenspan usually
used Milk’s log as a barometer to gauge the strength
of the American economy. With Milk’s log floundering
it looks like the American economy is heading for the
tanks again.
If you weren’t one of the lucky investors to find
a new log right away then unfortunately you’re stuck
between a log and fireplace. In these trying times we
suggest you find a log and invest all of your money into
that log. Don’t be picky, just choose any log and
invest all of your money into that log before its audio
two late. |
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Open
Editorial
 The
Raelian sect's $13,000 RMX 2010 cloning machine represents a
huge step back for the human race. It's a step back not because
it has successfully cloned 10 types of animals (with 6 producing
live offspring) so far at a ridiculously low price tag and thus
making our tax dollars seem completely misspent, and nor is
it a step back for any ethical/religious reasons, but because
it's just flat out counterproductive. People, being the controlling
bastards that they are, will always try to recreate what they're
comfortable with in order to inhibit change and create a (false)
sense of safety. Instead of moving forward, people will begin
cloning various people, items, and Cavaliers that they've been
comfortable with in the past and/or present.
For example, who's to stop someone from cloning Pat Ewing, circa
1983, because they really enjoyed his nimble prowess that he
displayed at Georgetown. One would judge his ability at Georgetown
and would then make an inaccurate conclusion about his potential
impact on the game of basketball. Feeling that the game as a
whole would improve if every team were to benefit from their
own offspring producing Pat Ewing, one would obviously set out
to clone what they thought was the prototypical center of the
future. Since each clone is derived from the same DNA, each
Pat Ewing clone would degenerate into a travelling, kneepad
wearing scrub. Unfortunately, the dangers are almost unforeseeable
and nearly impossible to predict, but still damaging nonetheless.
The perils of cloning would not stop at sports, since by the
Pat Ewing rational (EWRAT), the film industry would be in a
form of stasis as Molly Ringwald's career would be indefinitely
prolonged by some fan wishing to see an alternate take of Sixteen
Candles, instead of allowing Ringwald to naturally fade her
box-cut into obscurity. Therefore the only logical thing to
do with your $13,000 is to buy a Chevrolet Cavalier. |
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Maxim's Guide
to Putting a Bun in the Oven
 Tired
of your old lady pressuring you to give her a baby. Not ready
to be somebody's baby's Momma's Man? Well, Maxim promises
that if you follow these easy steps then your old lady is
as good as off your back and onto Milk's log. The steps are
as follows:
1. Preheat oven;
2. Mix ingredients in the mixing bowl;
3. Put dough into a baking tray;
4. Place tray in the oven;
5. Remove buns when they are golden brown.
It's important to follow the aforementioned steps exactly
as they're listed, because if you don't, then you're liable
to end up with hot cross buns, or worse yet - a Chinese Dumpling.
Hopefully this will free up most of your time and finally
allow you to complete your Bud Light Institute correspondence.
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In
a blow to medicinal marijuana, it
appears that faux-nudity/Lycra suits
are actually easier on one's eyes,
and therefore have a greater medicinal
value than medicinal marijuana. The
soft neutral undertones of the faux
nude lycra suits seems to actually
reverse the effects of glaucoma and
heart arrhythmias.
Long
a staple of the mainstream - and always
faced with a far greater demand than
supply - the fat and bosomy magazine
industry has had to deal with a saturated
market for the first time in its history.
Simply speaking, there were too many
fat chicks in too many magazines.
To combat the saturated market, certain
editors - in order to gain a competitive
advantage - took to airbrushing their
respective models. Not only was this
a break from the traditional use of
airbrushing (usually airbrushing was
limited to old people's pets), but
it represented a 47% fatter and more
bosomy model. The male population
was taken aback, struggling to comprehend
this much eye-candy, but like all
good things (e.g. sexism, being a
C.E.O., etc.) feminism had to strike
back.
Ever
since Jonathon Brewer was a young
child, he has had an un-healthy infatuation
with television characters. Briefly,
in the early eighties, he assumed
the identity of Cosmic Cow, which
in turn begat his brief stint as Uncle
Joey. His mother naturally assumed
that these were just stages like "The
Terrible Two's" or "The
Funky Fresh Eight's" but boy
was she ever wrong. With each school
photo basically turning into a chronological
slide show of the top rated sitcoms
of the decade, she began to accept
his lot in life.
