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ASIMO
- Close, but no Cigar Smoking Austrian Cyborg
When one hears the name Honda, they typically associate
it with Honda Motor Company - car manufacturer,
who is typically associated with rust. Well Honda
has plans to change that perception, and if all
goes as planned, when you hear the name Honda you'll
think ASS (or ASIMO, which is the preferred monicker
of Honda's marketing director, Licther Poostane).
Introducing ASIMO, the world's most advanced humanoid
robot (not to be confused with Spike Lee's new movie,
Ass: Some Mo). In 1986 Honda set out to develop
a robot that could coexist with humans. Their initial
focus was to develop its intelligence and mobility.
Well 17 years later, Honda has unveiled their much
anticipated ASIMO, and I take it back, you should
confuse it with Spike Lee's new movie.
To date, the evolution of the robot has proven tedious.
Previous uninspiring, milestones include:
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Mustache
Press Toasts New Ownership &
WebCam! Signup Today!
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Man Hospitalized
After Attempting to Cook with
George Foreman's Grill (he tried
using George's Face)
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Press
Writer says he's Anti Bush -
Prefers Shave Jobs
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Martin
Lawrence Arrested for Planning
to Play A Role Other than a
Cop!
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Thrashin'
the Opera Celebrates Its Fifth
Season on Broadway
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Patrick Ewing
to Launch 'Ewing Extreme Wear' (EEW)
Line
 Washington,
DC. With over fifteen thousand boxes
of his own Ewing Basketball Shoes*
in his garage, Patrick Ewing has decided
to reposition his product within the
'active wear' retail niche. "I
had to do something with these things,"
said Patrick, "and this time
we can bring the streets to an untapped
market." The untapped market
that Pat speaks of is that of the
outdoor extremist.
"Let's be perfectly honest,"
he said. "If you wore these things
as basketball shoes, you got laughed
off the court. Hell, you couldn't
move side to side or front to back,
diagonals only, but I know for a fact
that nobody ever broke they [sic]
ankle." It is this sturdy ankle
support that will tote the ski boot
of the future. "Picture it,"
Pat continued, "you'd be flat
out ballin'… on the slopes."
A local D.C. area street-baller was
quoted as saying, "Ah Yeah! I'm
gonna bring all my new dribbles to
the slopes." The defecation reference
has the Asian Community in an uproar.
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Well Oiled MaSheen
Despite the success of the new James Bond
movie (Ze Germans Are Cumming), the box
office receipts are not indicative of how
much the movie blows. Now I have not seen
the movie, but I feel qualified to offer
this plot synopsis: Bond will save the world,
get the girl, use expensive gadgets (blow-torches,
patio lanterns, and Slash's snake pit),
and in a climactic ending- perm his luxurious
hair. Actually, I'd pay
to see him save the world, but if I have
to sit through one more 90-minute instructional
perm video, I think I'll dye my roots. This
got me thinking, how could the new James
Bond movie be spruced up? Easy, just replace
Remington Steel with Charlie Sheen.
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 Dolphin
Army Faces Stiff Competition From Gerbil Special Forces
I was as stunned as the rest of the world, when last week
the American Army leaked information of its special Dolphin
division based in San Diego. Apparently these dolphins
have laser capabilities, unbelievable surveillance skills,
and possess an uncanny capability of infiltrating tuna
nets. Sounds a little too good to be true, right? Wait,
it gets better. In fact, the Dolphin Division has successfully
placed dolphins in covert operations throughout marine
parks around the United States and Euro-Disney (although
it is rumoured that the Euro-Disney dolphin had blown
his cover with a series of off-colour Frenchie jokes that
could only have been American). This is a cost-effective
strategy in today's billion-dollar terror game.
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Suicide
Doctors Beaten to Death by CBS
Suicide Doctors have been trying for decades to solve
the euthanasia dilemma only to have been met with stark
resistance. Dr. Philip Nitschke & his newest suicide
machine (COGen) were recently seized by Australian customs,
Dr. Jack Kevorkian is serving a 10 to 25-year prison sentence
for a 1998 assisted suicide, and Alberto Tomba hasn't
skied in five years. These doctors' advocacy of a painless
& swift death to the terminally ill, it seems, will
never entirely escape the legal risks of carrying out
the act itself. However, apparently CBS has found a legal
loophole and has picked up where the Doctors' left off.
No, I'm not referring to their regular broadcasting schedule
of solely seniors' programming (Figure Skating, Survivor,
Goldie Hawn, etc.) which will only make you very sleepy,
I'm referring to the inexplicable & despicable revival
of Arsenio Hall's career. What CBS doesn't realize is,
that unlike euthanasia, Arsenio Hall's hosting of Star
Search has given this diabolical doofus the open forum
for showcasing his stand-up which rivals the extreme pain
& suffering of Haitian torture (Vernor's Taste Testing
- 94% mortality rate). With material based exclusively
on O.J., Osama Bin Laden, sometimes both and/or their
white women, Arsenio is not even trying to make people
laugh anymore; his new mandate is quite obviously genocide.
Luckily for the populous, assisted suicide still claims
more nightly victims than CBS as they top out at 5 viewers
worldwide & one of them is Arsenio - who has been
placed on suicide watch. |
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Viagra
II?
LOS ANGELES, CA--Actress Marcia Gay Harden, in conjunction
with her spouse, Seymore Spanishfly, has come up with
a homosexual version of the now mainstream virility drug
Viagra. The Gay Community was pleased about the pharmaceutical
companies' interest, but the reaction was more one of
confusion. At the time of printing, the new pill is going
to be called 'The Hungry Man's Dinner'. |
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U.S.
Finally Has Proof That Iraq Is Hiding Weapons Of Mass
Destruction
BAGHDAD (MP)--After numerous thwarted attempts, Hans Blix,
chief UN weapons inspector, was finally given access to
East Baghdad Junior High. The first locker search produced
various caches of porn, sports posters, contraband mirrors,
more porn, and several broken tennis racquets (Richie's
locker). This was tantamount to Geraldo opening Al Capone's
glove box and finding - Road Maps!
Undeterred, Blix stormed into the gym and broke up the
annual junior high dance. It seemed very suspicious, what
with all the men on one side of the gym and all the women
on the other side. When the music went on, several of
the young dancers broke out into robotic type dance moves
and then started to imaginary roundhouses. Initially the
team thought that this must be a team of highly trained
robotic assassins or ninjas. It was later determined that
they were just doing the robot and responding to the song
'Everyone was Kung-Fu Fighting'. Despite the highly suspicious
activity this search yielded absolutely nothing.
As humiliation after humiliation mounted, Blix was still
not satisfied that the 12, 000 page dossier disclosed
all weapons of mass destruction. Well, his suspicions
were proven correct. On a blitzkrieg second locker search
Blix and his team found a cherry bomb. This was important
because cherry bombs were declared illegal in the Nazareth
pact of 1969. By not disclosing the cherry bomb, Hans
Blix and his bi-partisan team had finally found the smoking
gun that the 'freedom loving' United States were looking
for.
Charge. |
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Nelly
Seeks Royalties From NASA
CAPE CANAVERAL (MP)--After NASA released the tragic audio
from the Space Shuttle Columbia, which basically went
as follows: "Houston . . . it's getting hot in here
. . . it's getting hot in here. . . We don't . . .",
Nelly and his team of lawyers pressed suit seeking undisclosed
damages and recuperation of unpaid royalties stemming
from his smash hit "Hot in Here". Some misconstrued
this as a new low for Rap Artists, but others weren't
so sure. In fact, Lee Bernstein (lawyer famous for representing
the fat man who sued McDonalds) sees this as a historic
case for artists, saying, "with rampant piracy, it
is refreshing to see an American hero (Nelly) step out
and put a stop to the blatant copyright infringements
that are so prevalent in the media and society of today.
Plus, if the glove don't fit, you must acquit."
Martinez's wife was happy that this finally took some
of the heat off of her. |
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Orange
 Like
Me
Let's face it, I've never been a victim of racial profiling,
although back in 88 I wore a high top box cut wig to a
(Halloween) house party and it certainly changed my profile
in all the pictures. In a racially provocative way, I
was posing hard, leaning back, and saying in my loudest
voice possible - I'm whack and I'm proud. Afterwards Stevie
and Paul gave me pounds on the break dance cardboard located
on the cement block. Back then it was always cool to go
cross-culture, especially when you got mad props, but
the excursions were usually day trips and I knew where
the school bus was taking me after.
It got me thinking, what if the Ewing was on the other
foot? Would I be able to laugh it off if I got pulled
over for probable cause? What if my name was Diallo, or
worse yet, what if my name was Maurice Green and not Malice?
I may never feel the wrath of racism in my lifetime, but
what about all the people around me who do? Latino's,
Mexican's, and the Spanish have all been the butt of numerous
jokes, and for what? I could only imagine walking a day
in their shoes or driving a mile in their El Camino. In
fact, one couldn't pay me enough cabbage to put up with
the stereotypes and abuse that they suffer through.
Enough was enough; I had to put myself in their position-
to feel what they truly felt. I had to make the despair
tangible. Without delay, I went out and purchased a wife-beater,
a hair net, and the Gypsy King's Greatest Hits.
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From
the record of the police examination of the accused in the 1971
case of R. v. Wray.
 "John,
now listen to me good. Now I was through the war, see, and I've
been around. Now remember this and remember it good. Have you
ever seen rubby dubbies, winos?"
"Yes."
"Have you ever seen alcoholics?"
"Yes."
"Do you know why they go that way? Have you got a clue?"
"No. I have an idea."
"I'll explain something. You have the cerebreal, and then
you have the tholmus and the hipatholmus. Now a person is going
to blot out something he doesn't like, see, but you just can't
do it, John. You just no can do, because the subconscious mind
takes over and you never live it down. Every time you want to
do something you think of it. Now here's this poor joker, he's
in the grave, oh, yes, now you can never go to him and explain
to him, say I'm sorry I did it. He won't understand you. Do
you believe in E.S.P., Extra Sensory Perception?"
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Hot
Stock Tips
Use a telescopic lens to peer above the bushes. This allows
the would be stalker, or suitor as it referred to in the stalking
world, to maximize his/her concealment while getting the best
up-skirt/khaki shot possible. Next, pick realistic targets.
Everyone knows that women’s tennis has been the pinnacle
of the stalking world for the last thirty-three years, but ever
since Seles got shanked the security has increased tenfold.
It has become damn near impossible to get close to the tennis
stars, much like seeing a Pete Sampras serve. Serve monkey boy,
serve. Now the point of this stalk tip is not to discourage
one from stalking celebrities, but to pick a celebrity with
a lower Q rating than the youngest Baldwin brother (Rory). Therefore,
if one wants to maximize their stalk portfolio, they should
diversify into the high-tech market. There are plenty of rich
and lonely d-commerce millionaires who would be flattered by
the kind of attention that society thus far has deemed as unacceptable.
Remember, all celebrities are infatuated with you as much as
you are with them. If one keeps that as their modus operandi,
then their stalk portfolio will meet all expectations by the
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Movie
Review 
Jared
A. Fogle, known to most as "The
Subway Sandwich Guy" was rushed
to hospital in the early hours of
Sunday January 26th after suffering
from what doctors have labeled as
severe malnutrition. Eye witness'
revealed that Fogle, 23, was seen
collapsing in the parking lot of a
local Indiana strip-mall at around
10am. The University of Indiana student,
who has received high praise for losing
almost 200lbs., on what he has referred
to as the "Subway Diet",
had made several purchases at Pharmacy
World minutes prior to his breakdown.
10
Years of...